1 May 2003---1:20p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Detoit Cobras "Mink Rat or Rabbit"

HAPPY MAY Y'ALL. On that happy note, I will NOT be going to the Detroit Cobras because, well, they suck ass...the dirtiest ass in all of Detroit. Switch says that this chick (and I really did question if this person had a vagina or a penis) has a voice the projects "pure sex" and I say her voice project pure "poo". On a high note, not going will save me some cash since I have 5-6 shows on my May agenda, including tomorrows Big B Jamboree at the Beachland. Bottom line: Detroit Cobras are "fucky".

My new obsession: Panera. I went yesterday for the first time and had baked potato soup in a bread bowl with the best lemonade in the world. I like being taken to lunch. Meg-Dog will agree with me there. I even got a HUGE cinnomin roll for today's breakfest and when I went to prepare it, THERE WAS A BIT OUT OF IT. I suspect that if I matched this bite to Pirate's choppers, I would find the culprit. Hmph. Get your own bakery.

Switch called me on his lunch break and when the conversation ended, he informed me that he was off to "take a dump" before his work partner came back. Now my day is complete.

As you all know, I sold my Philly Cramps tickets on eBay since they added the Memorial Day show at the Beachland (which I already paid for because I don't want to have another Beachland Breeders incident where everyone goes but me). Well, I mailed the tickets out the same day I recieved payment as I promised I would and the dude left me some positive feedback: These folk are CRAMP STYLE! I give 'm four claws and an Atomic tease! I liked that.

Pirate bought the special edition "Battle Royale" on DVD. Everyone can just form a single line to borrow it.

28 April 2003---1:18p

He dug the corporation out of it's hole. Traveling round the world on a never ending dinner roll.

The Knife is my hero. MOTHER-TRUCKIN' HERO. He smashed furniture, he did heavy lifting, he built a desk, all while I sang bad TV show theme songs and the Johnny Mosly "Dinner Role" tune. He is a trooper. And a strong and crafty trooper at that. I rewarded him with ribs but it's not nearly enough. So, YOU ROCK, Knife. Really. I owe you a beer at LOTH.

Speaking of LOTH, allow me to remind you all that they are playing on Friday at the BEachland with Johnny Psycho and the Switchblade Rockers and Three Bad Jacks. Should be a good time. Be there or be talked about behind your back.

Do you like patching holes, sanding and painting, and ripping out old nasty carpet? If you do, feel free to volunteer your time to help out over here this week. I need all the help I can get and I will provide beer and tunes, yo. Not to mention my smiling face.

My pirate who loves me bought me an 8x10 of Lily and Herman Munster to go over my new computer desk. I, who loves myself, bought Polterguist and the Steve-O DVD, not to mention the 10 DVD Vault of Horror just because Knife had it and I wanted to be equally as cool.

Time to make a new and huge calendar.

See you later, Utah. I've gotta MOOOOOOOOOVIN' ON.

25 April 2003---2:23p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Beastie Boys "Licensed to Ill"

The amount of things that have been making me cry in the past 2 days is insane!! I cried listening to a song off the "Chipmunk Adventure" soundtrack. I cried watching a comercial for "Surprise By Design". I've seriously been crying left and right and it's not just small tears of slight weeping. It's been SOBBING and WAILING until my chest hurts. I really don't get it.

I got my lip touched up...no, not with injections of fat a la Barbara Hershey...and it looks fabulous, I must say. They I celebrated by drinking beer with Pirate and the Knife. Thats hould totally be a band name.

My plans for this weekend are miniscule outside of a little FSSU action with Switchblade...and whoever else is free...on Saturday night. Since my schedule is so open, I REALLY hope Meghan will let me help with her big project that is due Tuesday. She and Brodie (her partner)have both been busy with school and work and life, all of which I have no use for. I know I could be useful is some area, even if I just keep pumping her full of caffein and doing inspirational cheers. Plus, I have new colored pencils! Every project needs colored pencils!

There's a little kid on a little toy car on my parent's grass. It's really ticking me off looking at him. GET ON YOUR OWN GRASS!!!

I was informed by my mother that I got a parking ticket on Valentine's Day eventhough I parked int he same parking garage I always to by the Grog Shop, NOT illegally. I guess the Cleveland Heights hoity toity cops didn't have any love to spare that day. Now I have to shop vac my parent's basement to work off the fine eventhough I SAID I'd pay it. Hmph.

24 April 2003---1:07p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: The Chipmunk Adventure soundtrack

If you don't have anything to do this Saturday, be sure to check out the reruns of last seasons Saturday Night Live which is on the E channel at 10:00. This week features Jonny Mosely who came in 4th place in the winter olympics for skiing, which pretty much means he's a big nobody. HOWEVER, he had this trademark move called "The Dinner Roll" and in one skit, he solves the world's problems while on "a CONTINUOUS dinner roll", and I think I might have wet my pants. Watch it. Love it.

24 April 2003---9:52a

This is going to be a "Salute To My Friends" kind of day as these tid-bits are all I have to talk about:

I have been hovering around my mailbox waiting for hotel mail from Meg-Dog since I was alerted of it's existence. I'm thinking that today is the day it will grace me with it's presence. I feel it in my bones...and no, I am not confusing the feeling with the existence of marrow. Don't be silly.

I'm crossing my fingers for Brodie as he had a 15 page paper due today that he had to start from scratch last night after work with probably no sleep at all. I know he was itching for a nap. He always seems to pull this shit off but I had a dream that he didn't and it was DREADFUL. I'm routing for you, tiger.

Ugh, Brett "the Knife" Chabek can never win, can he? I say GOOD RIDDANCE to girls who won't sleep with you on the first date (it's sounded better than "...to bad rubbish"). I have a gut feeling that he will meet someone by summer. The weather is too iffy now...once it's in a solid formation, mammoth groups of chicks will be like mosquitos, hovering around bugging people, impossible to get rid of, sucking the blood out of him. Ah, sweet women.

Byrne and Becky are leaving town within moments of each other in upcoming weeks. I know Switchblade is probably thinking Who would want to leave glorious KENT???, but alas, this is only a temporary place to settle, and all kittens must one day leave the teat behind. That sentence will haunt me for the rest of the day.

UPCOMING EVENTS:
Friday 5/2: LOTH, Johnny Psycho, 3 Bad Jacks at the Beachland
Thursday 5/8: Stitches and Kill the Hippies at the Lime Spider...just in case you're dying to see KTH
Friday 5/9: The Perfect Guy CD release at the Beachland...I need someone to go with
Saturday 5/10: Los Straitjackets at the Beachland (this event is Byrne's "Going Away/Graduation Party" event so be there or be a lame-ass)
Friday 5/16: The Missions at the Pit (I MUST see my friends play so I need some company) OR Dick Dale at the Beachland...possibly both if I'm in rocker mode
Saturday 5/17 - Sunday 5/18: Driving to DC to help Byrne move in and then to throw up all over her new apartment
Wednesday 5/21: Cave Catt Sammy at the Beachland
Monday 5/26: CRAMPS CRAMPS CRAMPS CRAMPS CRAMPS
Saturday 6/14: LOTH CD release at the Beachland (SATURDAY THE 14TH MOTHERFUCKERS)
Saturday 6/21: How About No and the Comix at Pit Cleveland.

And the 4th Annual Birthday Party Round-Up is itching it's way into the line-up. YEEHAW.

So, anyone who wants to attend any of these events with me, HEY, you'll be that much cooler and I will gain respect for you that I've never had for any other human being. I would also like to note that THIS FRIDAY, tomorrow if you will is Pirate and Wench's 1 Month Wedding Anniversary so if anyone would like to join us in drinks of celebration, all the more power to you. We never did get a reception and now we won't be having a wedding. The least we could do is drink until we throw up.

22 April 2003---2:01
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Blasters "American Music"

Thanks Jesus...who has recently risen from the grave...someone bid on my Philadelphia Cramps tickets. Woooo, I did not want to be stuck with those puppies nor did I want to force myself to go on a 7.5 hour car ride. That would have been HELL, no matter how much I love the Cramps.

Speaking of Jesus rising from the grave, I was trucking past this church and a big sign said Used Tomb for sale. Only used for 2 days. I was thinking to myself, What the HELL kind of sick-o wants to sell a USED tomb??? Then I realized that the words tomb and casket are not interchangeable, not to mention that the whole thing was one of those clever church related billboards. I don't care if it makes me sound slow but the whole thing really freaked me out.

The singer of the Detroit Cobras really sounds like a man in a Grace Slick kind of way.

20 April 2003---8:48a

It's Easter morning and I have nothing to look forward to because I already got my Easter basket from my Mom. I was worried that at 24 I would be too old for one but she pulled through. I got the Trading Spaces book, a Sandra Bullock DVD, some pastles, a canvas, and candy. It made me so happy at the time but now it's Easter and I wish I was young and my sisters and I were hunting for our baskets. One year, I was so sick that I didn't even want to look for my basket as much as I wanted to die. My Mom made my Dad bring it to me because I was sweating to death. It had legos in it. I had to miss the Crowded House concert. Sigh. Happy Easter.

Yesterday I got to talk to drunk Meghan and drunk T.R.H. on the phone from the GBV show in Cincy. The are sending me something from the hotle. I hope it's not SARS or Anthrax...unless it's ANTHRAX the band and then they could cover "Turn It Up, Bring the Noise" with Public Enemy. How rad is that?

I went in to get my horse shoe tattoo and to start wrapping things up in my half sleeve but it looked distorted. Pirate tried to draw a swallow instead but a good onw would have been too big for the space. I don't know what we're going to do for the small space. All I know is I was really disappointed. I wanted needles.

I've only had DSL for one day and Jenna Jameson is already taking over my computer. It's making me effing cranky.

17 April 2003---3:19p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Cramps "Fiends of Dope Island"

As you can see, I am a dork because I have the new Cramps' album that just came out yesterday. I downloaded it. I am a computer nerd.

I hate, hate, hate when girls take photos of themselves and make stupid "I'm lofty and my head is in the clouds but I am also deep and upset and brooding so I must make my eyes funny and my lips pouty" faces in photographs. Those girls are hardcore DUDS. It's much cooler if you eat pie in your photograph.

Journey + REO Speedwagon + Styx on June 27th = I'm sweating.

14 April 2003---12:47p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Demented Are Go "I Want To See You Bleed and MORE..."

My computer crashed this weekend and we lost everything (wedding photos, party photos, all my music, Pirate's tattoo pictures) on our hard drive. If I talk about it any more, I'll probably kill myself.

Here's a word of advice: when you're helping someone make margaritas under the occupation of "Ice Crusher/Measurer", do NOT beat the Hell out of the ice with your hand to make it fit into the measuring cup because you with BLEED and mixing blood with strawberry red drinks can be lethal.

I had quite a few daquiris last night followed by a trip to the Loft and Adult Swim with various members and combinations of my crew which made Sunday by FAR the best night of my weekend...especially since a pseudo-bladder infection and a rash on my chest and neck made me miss the Cavs' game on Saturday. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I have a date tomorrow night with the Knife and no, he did not pick me in the tax form section of the library. I'm still excited, regardless.

After an excellent session with my new boyfriend, Dr.Tom, I feel the need to be out in the sunshine. But instead, I am going to go visit Pirate in the dark and evil tattoo shop.

12 April 2003---7:04am

Let's not forget about the speeding ticket I got yesterday in the two block long town (I don't even think it's a town) of Pennisula. Isn't that just the way.

Out of boredom, I have been to every website known to man this morning and just discovered that Lords of the Highway are having a CD release show (which would signify an upcoming release) on June 14th at my favorite venue, the Beachland. I'm excited enough to wet my pants...but I can't. Ohhhhhhhaaaaaaawwwwwww.

12 April 2003---6:36a

Have you ever known a person that has absolutly NO concept of self-volume control? A person who actually follows up loud, crude, embarrassing verbal remarks made in public with I thought I was whispering? Johnny Switchblade takes the cake and then some in this category but he is forgiven because he wore...and looked half decent and believable in...a skull-n-crossbones bandana that Pirate said was "trashy". Either way, Switch was in rare form last night and almost passed out while walking to the car after jumping on the hood of the Knife's passing mobile. All I can say to this is NO ONE is really named "Benny".

I've said before that I think there are PROBABLY more uncomfortable things than having the symptoms of a bladder infection like, perhaps, purposfully letting a shark bite a hole in your arm...but at this point in time (circa 6:30am, to be exact), I would give anything for a baby mako (hammerheads...especially baby ones...give me nightmares) to just slip one of it's little front buck teeth into the fattier side of my arm. Bladder infections are the end-all in discomfort and I think I have one. Let's test the theory because I FEEL like I have to "use the ladies'" (insert Knife saying Use them for what? here) but I doubt I will.

7 drops, mothertrucker.

I can't even BELIEVE this but I think the stupid sun is starting to come out. My body REALLY hates me. I'm supposed to go the art museum with Byrne and to the Cavs' game with Switch today but I'm not doing ANYTHING unless my body and I make some peace. I wish I could aimlessly flip through the cable channels but the other night when Pirate couldn't sleep and did that, I seriously almost bit his fuckng head off. I think aimlessly mid-dawn flipping should be reserved for downstairs and not when someone else is sleeping beside you...but Switch is sleepign downstairs so GOD DAMN IT I will always lose.

I used to wonder if chalk was cream filled and I really wanted to just eat a piece to find out.

10 April 2003---5:14p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Johnny Cash "16 Biggest Hits"

And now I proudly present the funniest e-mail I've ever recieved:

Hey plain and simple I dont care if you believe me I am going to pay you when I can but I will pay you for half of the cards (though he SHOULD pay me for ALL OF THE CARDS because I didn;t make ONE CHARGE ON THEM...doof). Also I never have and never would talk shit on you. I have heard from people that you talked shit about me plenty but I dont care I am done with you and have been for a long while so dont talk to me at all if you see me dont say hi we dont like each other so dont pretend we do. Really do not ever talk to me please I have written you off so you do the same. Thanx Please email just to let me know you got this

Both the Knife and I found it really amusing that he made it SO CLEAR that I should never talk to him again, EVER, just walk on by likes he's a ghost, NEVER EVER EVER talk to him AGAIN...but I have to make sure I write him back to let him know I got the mail. HA HA HA HA. Doof.

10 April 2003---1:58p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Southern Culture On the Skids "Plastic Seat Sweat"

For whatever reason, the term "Pornish Game Hens" came into my head and I almost wet my pants because I thought it was so clever.

10 April 2003---10:54a

Can you even BELIEVE this bologna? I get all hyped up for a full weekend and the They Might Be Giant show is reserved for Carnegie Mellon students ONLY. DAMN, that really burns my toast. As I have stated to many passerbys, I will now refer to them only as "Carnegie Mellonheads". Drat. Now I have to erase and replace GO AND ROCK OUT TO TMBG IN PITTSBURG in my "agenda" with GO OUT AND DRINK UNTIL I PUKE. Where is the darn eraser?

Imagine my surprise driving home from drinks with the adult female members of my family (where I had to first question IF I counted as an adult) to stop on WCSB and hear "Damn You Miller" after catching the tail end (hee hee) of "Tiger In My Tank". All I wanted to do was get ahold of Brodie (whose presence I EXPECT at the binge drinking festivities tomorrow night) to see if he was listening and it took me DAYS to find out he was. We are on the same wavelength so he shall be my next husband.

Pirate bought all the episodes of "The Family Guy" which I never really got into. However, "Futurama", which I also was never quite into (but now I will name my children Leila and Fry), gets better and better every night that I watch it, along with "Home Movies" that I hated when I first saw it but now adore (why does Brendan's Mom always have such bad breath?). OK, so now I've given you my TV run down. From here, I think I will spend the day drawing ALL DAY LONG and only eating things made from potatos. It sounds appealing to me but I really hate getting lead all over the sides of my hands (this, of course, has to do with the pencils and drawing rather than my potato consumption). The artist's dilemma, I guess.

Pirate and I started to discuss wedding plans...particularly a month we would liek to be "married" in. September or October are in the running. I'm going to push for 2004. Is that lame?

7 April 2003---3:13p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Cramps "Big Beat From Badsville"

My good pal Lisa Marie of Rock-n-Roll Purgatory fame (and not of Presley fame) sent a little info my way stating that the Cramps have some shows lined up but NONE, not a single solitary pity show, in Ohiya. What's a Cramps fan to do? Go to Philadelphia, that's what. Pirate and I purchased our tickets (a mere 22.00 a pop once service charges and soem ridiculous 1.00 fee for something I don't quite understand right now were tacked on) last night and will begin planning our mini-road trip. So, Thursday May 15th, any takers are welcome...who wants to miss the potential of such hits as "Cramps Stomp", "Haul Ass Hyena" and "Human Fly" LIVE???? Not I. Not I.

And speaking of people who could be potentially missing out...NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS WITH ME. Am I a bad person to go to shows with? Am I a bad traveller? This is my number 1 favorite band and no one...not even the mister...has stepped up to the plate. SIGH. Well, I'm going and that's that. If I don't return, some of you might feel bad. But at least I might die listening to Dr.Worm. Some day somebody else besides him with call him Dr.Worm. And that somebody will be me.

I bought some ridiculous books about drawing nudies and a nice soft drawing pencil so I'm going to go enjoy them...and some potato pancakes.

5 April 2003---7:23p

This is the first time I've been out of my bed (which is now a mass of tangled and sweaty sheets...but not due to anything kinky and fun) since an early afternoon trip to Drug Mart with Queen B to get NyQuil that literally knocked my ass unconscious. God Bless You, NyQuil. I woke up feeling like a demon truck from Hell had run back and forth over my head and upper body. I still feel like dog ass but at least I got some solid sleep, even if it was due to delirium and drugs.

I hate canceling weekend plans. It makes me itchy all over because I love plans (and was complaining about the potential disaster of not having any) and I miss my friends. Especially Meg-Dog who has once again fallen off the face of the Earth, most likely landing on Tony Rocky Horror. I'm starting to forget what she looks like. And Brodie...he's starting to fade like that photograph in "Back To the Future". Speaking of which, I love Huey Lewis (and in addition to that, rumors are flying that Hall and Oates will be making their rounds once again this summer. If Brodie and I don't go, I'm committing some type of violent crime).

Still no takers for next Friday's They Might Be Giants show in Pittsburg. It could be quite dangerous for me to go by myself, you know. Pittsburg is a dirty, backwards town...eventhough it's at Carnegie Melon, which is a smarty pants school, or so I hear. The people there liek to listen to God Speed You Black Emperor...yarf. I deTEST inmstrumental.

I need sleep. If I didn't have NyQuil I'd listen to some instrumental indie rock and bore myself to sleep.

4 April 2003---7:03p

I am in love...with Kiff. If you don't know who or what that is, well, to be honest, I'm happy because I want Kiff all to myself. Now will somebody PLEASE turn me into a cartoon???

As is my regular Friday ritual, I restled in with my copies of US and People Weekly only to learn that Joaquin "I'm a fucking weird-o" Phoenix and Reese "I give Sourpuss the creeps because I'm a jerk-off" Whitherspoon with be playing the leads in Walk the Line, the upcoming Johnny Cash biography. What the EFF was the casting director THINKING??? Johnny Cash and the Mrs. are still alive so I vote he should play himself.

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS...next Friday in Pittsburg at Carnegie Melon University. Who's going with me? Whoever does gets a special prize: a button that says, "Fuck Me, I'm a Rocker", not to mention that get the pleasure of my company.

I don't know if anyone will remember this, possibly Meghan "Tino" O'Malley, but in the episode of "My So-Called Life" where Angela invites herself to see Buffalo Tom and Jordan Catalano ignores her and then at the end, he walks up to her and takes her hand in front of everyone...well, at the end of the episode, they play a Buffalo Tom song that's really fucking depressing and does not embody the excited feeling I'm sure Angela was having but DOES foreshadow their impending doom quite well. That song makes me want to kill myself.

Tony Rocky Horror never wrote me a wedding poem and the Knife never made a toast in my honor. But the Knife DID have to spend the evening surrounded by stereotypical hillbillys so I should forgive him...though that's not my fault so he owes me a toast. Tony doesn't owe me a poem until I get him a belated birthday gift.

Happy weekend, y'all.

3 April 2003---6:31p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Dead Kennedys "Plastic Surgery Disasters"

Dear Mr. Idea Haver:

I'm pretty sure the capacity of the old jail was circa 30 people. Some how, I don't think that's gonna cut it. Not to mention that this is the old jail...which belongs to the city...so I'm pretty sure we couldn't get away with upwards of 50 people (many underage) celebrating in our usual rowdy fashion. But thank you for the suggestion. A jail would probably be very fitting considering my new marital status.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Haidet

Re: "'Reception' of sorts" (April 2, 2003 entry)

How about the old jail in Kent that can be rented out? What was the capacity for that place - fifty people? I'm so forgetful.

Signed,
Mr. Idea Haver

2 April 2003---6:22p

Don't be jealous but I did get my picture taken with Erin Gray who played the mother on Silver Spoons when I was at the Fright Vision convention. You might wonder what Erin Gray and her Silver Sppons fame has to do with horror or science fiction. I guess she was on Buck Rogers or some jazz. Yadda yadda. We all know that what REALLY matters is her involvemnet with the in-house train, the race car bed, and Alphonso Ribera whom she saw recently at a car wash with his kids.

Dr. Nightmare, Attorney-at-Law now knows how to play fetch with a ball with a bell inside and she will play until you force yourself to swallow the ball and end it. I think she might have just fired up some of her tail fur over a candle.

Pirate and I want to have a "reception" of sorts and are doing our best to make it happen in style, hopefully with bands. We don't know when or where but it will happen, don't you worry your partying little heads. We are accepting suggestions on possible party details so feel free to send them our way...along with donations. Speaking of party time, this is the first time in forever that I have no set weekend plans. What the EFF will I do? I refuse to sit home on Friday night and be a dud. It's not an option. I need to "make things happen".

The Knife will be happy to know that I've moved on from my "Da duh duh duh duh duh" joke closer obsession to saying "dud". Everyone and everything everywhere is a "dud". I can't help it. It's over powered me. I'm a dud, myself.