29 Novemeber 2003---11:36a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: The Showmen "It Will Stand"

Usually I find it fascinating that I have a reoccurring dream about tap dancing with Christopher Walken to "Walk Right Back" by the Everly Brothers but yesterday, this was surpassed when I recieved a message from beyond. For MONTHS I've been searching for this song that I'm OBSESSED with and have been all my life called "Rock and Roll Will Stand (It Will Stand)" by Johnny O'Keefe to no avail. I almost paid $40 for an import just for that damn song. However, during a rather vivid dream from beyond the grave (I'm guessing), The Showmen appeared to tell me that it was actually their group that had recorded the song and that I had been confused. The song on O'Keefe's album was either a cover of their song or an original of a different song of the same name that the Blasters covered (I came up with this on my own as teh dream wasn't THAT vivid and all in all, I had credited O'Keefe with the wrong song when I really loved his tune "She's So Tuff", silly me). So out of a slumber I arose and darn it if I didn't getting the song I've been longing for on the first try. God bless you and your spine chilling messages, Showmen!

Still sick. Goodbye stomach flu, hello head cold! Will this stop me from hanging with my crew tongiht? Heck no! From drinking beer? Possibly yes, as it would be the wisest of choices. I can be the designated driver. I really just want some company.

Aside from my impending death, Turkey Day was a success! Gobble Gobble, y'all!

I'm getting ANOTHER new phone TODAY! It's like Christmas came early this year but in a highly annoying and incovienient fashion! My new phone, which I FINALLY fell in love with, could not keep a call going longer than 3 minutes at a time so they're upgrading me to digital and analog, whatever that means. Who cares about this cellular jargon?? Let's talk about why I can't stop listening to the Cranberries!! BLAH!

56. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine
57. Emma on "Degrassi: the Next Generation"
58. Luke Wilson
59. Raab Himself

26 November 2003---9:29p

Day 5 sickness statistics: thrown up approximately 13 times since Saturday night (mostly bile and some OJ, and this was twice triggered while simply yawning), lost 4.5 pounds leading to the purchase of a size 5 skirt for Thanksgiving (this blows my mind, y'all, due to my enormous breeding hips but I'll take a downsize where I can get one), my meal menu in the last 5 days has consisted of 1/2 glass of chocolate milk, 1 1/2 glasses of OJ, 1 1/2 yogurts, 3 spoonfuls of mac-n-cheese, 2 chocolate chip cookies.

I am throughly upset because I love The Knife's Thanksgiving more than anything and come Hell or high water, I will be there! But I won't be able to eat boatloads of mashed potatos because my stomach is the size of a dime right now. I smelled chicken soup yesterday and tossed my cookies...I'm afraid that I could be triggered at any moment! I'm AFRAID...and I'm sad.

No one likes to return e-mails and that makes me want to bite the heads off of asparagus in rage. I may throw up from that imagery.

How many times can I talk about throwing up? I threw up in my car! While driving! And at the video store! And at the grocery store! And downstairs! And upstairs! And outside the mall! And at Switchblade's house! Maybe I can throw up on the turkey!! Mayeb I can throw up on a Snoop DeVille!

In the past 5 days, I have seen Pirate for a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving so my brain will be in an "I hate the holidays" haze so I'll barely see him then either. I feel...disenchanted.

I want The Knife to rub my head. He rubbed my head on Saturday.

And now introducing....STORE BOUGHT PIES! Yes, I bought the pies from Baker's Square! HOORAY! One pumpkin and one French Apple. How 'bout THEM apples? Blah blah blah. Illness is raping my brain.

24 November 2003---5:52p

Who wants to go to Chicago with me on Friday December 5th to see They Might Be Giants at the Vic Theater??? Don't make me go alone. It's dangerous for a fragile petal like me to be alone in the big city.

This, of course, is all dependent on whether or not I survive this dreaded flu that's had me couch ridden for 2 days.

23 November 2003---12:07p

I just woke up to tell everyone that I have the dreaded flu. I was joking around about getting sick and now I'm being punished for even suggesting it. I tossed my cookies a few times at Switchblade's house, the whole ride home into a Kohl's bag (and if you think it's easy to drive, throw up, and not appear drunk behind the wheel, you'd be wrong), and once this morning. Couple that with a 101 degree fever, a pretty gnarly cough and headache and TA DA! You've got my present state of being. Today is going to BLOW especially since my man-servant is in stupid New York and won't be here to get me everything I need to regain my strength. Wah.

Besides the impending doom that followed, I had a good time last night. I missed hangin' with the fellas and I do love that Red Circle Bar and Lanes. For now, I need to go back to bed before my head falls off. I might rent "The Goonies" first.

21 November 2003---12:24p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Problematics "Kids All Suck"

My new favorite live band, The Swingin' Neckbreakers, made an appearance on The Sopranos which aired 9/22 so I missed it and am sorely disappointed (and upon browsing their "Under the Covers" section of their website, they do some CHOICE tunes!). And sadly more, this Sunday (following a night of tossing them back with the Pack in Parma, my new favorite all-around band, King Of Nuthin', will be playing at CBGB's but seeing as I HATE New York City with the passions of one billion sex-starved inmates, I'm going to have to pass. Does this make me less of a rocker, denying a favorite? Hell no. It just makes me 100% anti-New York, though it is confuses as to how I can feel such disgust when I lvoe Rudy Giuliani so much. Burn in Hell, New York City!

My Accordian Goals
1. Learn a few X-Mas songs in time for the holidays so my drunk friends can sing along to the soothing sounds of the accordian.
2. Learn the opening accordian part to "Hateful" by the CLash.
3. Learn They Might Be Giants tunes that include the least complicated accordian sections.
4. Start foolishly ridiculous band tenatively titled "Brett the Knife and the Go-Getters", featuring myself on accordian, The Knife on lead vocals and possibnle harmonica and/or spoons, Switchblade on the crazy 60s garage-rock inspired organ, and Pirate on cocktail drums.

I bowled a 101 game yesterday just in time to see Dr. Romano get killed by a helicopter. EFFED!

20 Novmeber 2003---9:43a

I HAVE AN ACCORDIAN!!!!! How BOSS is THAT?!?!? Super boss! I can play a tune, one tune, and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and as soon as I figure out this whole bass keyboard, man, POLKA CITY! I love my ACCORDIAN! I'm really going to nerd it up now!

19 November 2003---11:06a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Reatards "Grown Up Fucked Up"

The Knife doesn;t like me anymore and that makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs with rusty skewers. I may have gotten over Brodie, but I'll never get over The Knife. He was the Dean of Martins.

HEY! Mild tranquilizers are FUN so if you want to get one, go flip your lid hardcore in your university's student health center and they will no doubt insist on giving one with a batch to take home! It's like drinking beer without the effort or the hangover! Hooray for controlled substances!

I have never laughed so hard as I did at an animated towel that says, "You wanna get high?" and then punches the tune to "Funky Town" into a key pad. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

I want a donkey.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to bowl today and eat a bowling alley grilled cheese and fries. I'm pretty sure that following that, I'm going to drink beer until my head falls off because, hey, I haven't done that in awhile and I'm in the mood...plus nothing good is on television tonight so I need to spice up the nightlife.

I don't like the term "street drugs". It makes them sounds dirty.

The Lapistan Valley is boring.

17 November 2003---9:53a

I HAVE A GUESTBOOK! So make sweet love to it with the help of your keyboard! Praise the obscenity and insanity and stupidity that is this BLOG! Go to the lower left corner and show your intense praise and shower me in lavish, hot, steaming, boiling...I lost my train of thought...or SUFFER my undeniable WRATH!

I am having a Peppermint Pattie for breakfest because it seems like the most irresponsible thing I could do before a test besides just up and quit studying all together because, gosh darn it, I just didn't feel like exerting any effort anymore this morning.

I'm pretty sure I had a class-A nervous breakdown during Viva La Bam last night and it wasn't due to their playing more Turbo Negro, despite popular belief. In fact, the episode in general was pretty swining and swanky! As for my dysfunctional "episode", I couldn't breathe, I couldn't concentrate, and I was pretty much just fliiping my lid like a cartoon character. Needless to say, I feel like rotting garbage today and am considering checking into a loony bin. At least they'll jack me up with some voodoo potion and maybe I can catch up on some Zzzzzzz.

Switchblade and I are rockers extraordinare!!! We covered a lot of ground Saturday night with the eatin and the bowling, and the drinking and the rocking. I got my ass WHOMPED during our seconds game of bowling. WHOMPED! So it may be harder for me to be an expert bowler than I thought. But then the Swinging Neckbreakers may have very well put on one of the best live shows (with one of the BEST closers) I've seen in an eternity so it made up for my bad bowling. I was jazzed to be a show, and a very busy one at that. But for every up, there are two downs (one step forward, two steps back kinds thing) which we made up by the ever apparent PBR headache and an icky odor of feet ruining our dinner. But all was resolved when Switch made me the best ketchup sandwich I've had in quite awhile and he didn't make me watch "Fubar" or "Bad News Bears: In Breaking Training". God bless you, man.

I have to take a test when all I really want to do is climb under a blanket and cry for no good reason. That is actually how I want to spend my Monday. That followed by what looks like a top notch episode of "Everwood".

14 November 2003---4:59p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: random songs by Camper van Beethoven.

And now introducing a bunch of thoughts that have nothing to do with one another!

If I didn't look super Indie Rock with my denim jacket and Buddy Holly glasses, I sure do now since I got my fabulous new trendy haircut. However, I consider this a plus since it may assist me in the boudoir (translation = Pirate likes it. I am a fox. SOMEONE is getting lucky tonight.)

Chocolate Chocolate Cookie. God bless you, Ben and Jerry!

Not only do I plan on becoming the world's best known living expert on the history of Roger Maris and the 1961 season of the New York Yankees, but I also plan on becoming a truly exceptional bowler and opening my own bowling alley a la television's "Ed". I will call my alley "Bowl Some Balls".

Phil Hartman did poor impersonations of both Johnny Cash and Telly Savalas and his Burt Reynolds isn't even 1/10 of Norm McDonald's.

I stopped reading "Prozac Nation". I am now throughly wrapped up in "Party Monster" by James St. James (previously published as "Disco Bloodbath: A Fabulous But True Tale of Murder in Clubland"). I also bought "Songbook" by Nick Hornby which is going to be bad ass and "Burton On Burton" and I'm talk Tim, not Reynolds.

I'm thinking about getting drunk tonight in the confines of my own home.

Frank Sinatra was kind of a jerk.

Someone wants to "start something" with me because I said they looked like they wear a wig on the internet (not that on the internet they look like they wear a wig but rather I said ON THE INTERNET that the hair was wig-like and I wasn't alone in that. Big deal). Don't people have better things to be upset about? I was standing right next to "her" and she didn't say a word. People are fraidy cats. And I guess some folks who've been to 5 LOTH shows are challenging me for the title of #1 fan. That's alright. I was sweating it at first but you really can only see the same show so many times. I was a loyal fan for 50+ shows without recognition. I need to devote more time to They Might Be Giants.

Per usual, I miss my friends. No one can see to get it together...get on the same page. Lame.

13 November 2003---10:14a

I did not win the Gretch. Imagine the odds of that outcome. Still, it wasn't as good looking as I had hoped so I didn't cry...much.

Snow rots. It's not fair that yesterday I wore my light and springy denim jacket and today I'll have to cover myself in whale blubber to avoid freezing to death.

I have this insatiable need to bowl. I'm from Parma so you would think I'd be born with this pre-programmed ability to bowl well but it doesn't exist. Still, I like the atmosphere of a bowling alley. It's a rockin' good time (especially if you get a grilled cheese sandwich). Overall bad smell, but a good time nonetheless.

I haven't talked to Brodie in 3 weeks. Eh, what can you do?

11 November 2003---9:07a

Greeting my fine folk from the rainy, chilly land of Killoumbus! I may return mucho grande considering what the fondue restaurant did to me but every pound will be relished when I'm at home eating boxed mac-n-cheese. The cheese was BAD ASS and we got it with bread, veggies, and apples (which was tricking my taste buds into submission) followed by FILLET AND SHRIMP, YO! But man oh man, cheesecake, poundcake, strawberries, bananas, marshmallows, grahma crackers and with velvetty chocolate/marshmallow mix...I could just feel the spare tire circling! I thank Queen B for every red cent she spent, especially for the $9 drink that knocked my socks off!!! MUCHOS GRACIAS, SENORITA!!!

I have my hot date tonight and let me say, I'm really jazzed about it. I can feel my old self slowly seeping back in to my blood stream. I think this trip sealed the deal for my big return. And DAMN, it feels good. YEEHAW!! The car ride was relaxing, the food was incredible, the company was fantastic, the good-night phone call was GREAT, I'm suspecting my breakfest, my morning, and ride home will also be perfect...I'm so glad I came. It feels so good to be me again and not a complete ding-dong that no one wants to be around. I'm never going back there to Mopeville. It doesn't suit me at all. I'm only going to be young for so long so why be a baby about the rough stuff? I RULE! YOU RULE! WE ALL RULE! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND CELEBRATE BECAUSE TONIGHT I AM WINNING A GRETCH!!!!

Bacon...eggs...toast!

10 November 2003---8:32a

I'm sick of this being a grade school-esque diary about what I did over the weekend but I feel it must be documented for my rock-n-roll posterity. I'm going to try to revert back to my psycho-babble ways in the future. I'm good at that and it makes me H-O-T! But for now...

Quick weekend rap up: I didn't go to Lords of the Highway. I should probably feel bad about that (being fan #1) but I enjoyed having alone time and 2 drinks with Pirate. It was swell and included no Appalachians. Saturday was ridiculous and ended in a bunch of silly drunks with $20 worth of pizza and a "Cloak and Dagger" tape that didn't work. It made me feel normal again. I love Switch and Knife...I have the best darn gang this side of the nearest Piggly Wiggly!!! Sunday, post-spending time with Pirate's family, was a lazy day. On and off napping and TV, just the way I like it. TA DA!

I'M GOING TO KILLOUMBUS TODAY!!! Yep, I'm heading out after my Children's Literature test and it's an overnighter, folks. The Queen and I are pros at getting into heaps of trouble when we spend 24 hours together so I'm looking forward to some insanity circa the summer of 2001. I'm so hopped up with excitement that my mammory glands are all out of wack! YEEHAW!

Then, as if you think the excitement would stop there, I have a hot date on Tuesday!! Lords of the Highway are playing a free show on Tuesday at the Beachland. It's for the release of the Rockabilly Riot CD (chock full of old favorites...think Elvis...and more obscure stuff...like the luscious Johnny Burnette Trio) for which there will be a listening party followed by free rockin'. Did I mention the chance to win a GRETCH GUITAR?!?!? I am crossing anything and everything that can be crossed on my person that one of the frustrated musicians who live here will win it and start the best band in creation (a lofty shot but it's nice to have goals). I don't think either of us have wanted something so much in our entire lives!! I'm sweating just thinking about it and that doesn't go well with my exploding mammory glands.

So, we're gonna get dolled up (I think I'm going to wear my super foxy red dress...yes, the one with the small stitch that gives it character. I dont' like to call anythign I own "foxy" but the dress has some sort of glass slipper quality that all my other clothes...a la 10,000 t-shirts...are lacking) AND GO ROCK OUT. With no cover, a fucking rad band, a good-looking greaser date, and the chance to win a GRETCH, how could it be bad? Maybe I'll see some of y'all there. What else have you got to do on a Tuesday?

Blah blah blah. It's not even 9:00 and I'm hyper active as all Hell. The Jimmy-leg is rockin' full force! I better go do something constructive before I BURST! But let me bid a fond farewell to Meg-Dog who has laid her blog out to pasture. It will be a missed part of my daily routine, indeed.

6 November 2003---8:00a

You know, I was concerned about my survival but it looks as though I am still alive after cleaning the entire upstairs of my house. There were avalanches and potential drownings in the sea of trash, but we made it through like troopers. We are, as Destiny's Child likes to say, "Survivors". And you know what makes me even happier than hauling off 8+ bags of meaningless pack-rat trash? Getting to throw away a fake moustache a la Yosemite Sam!! That, my friends, was the highlight of my day as there is nothing I detest more than kissing lips adorned with a fake moustache...though I may have left the kissing part out earlier.

Who actually rents "61*" from the video store? I do, that's who. My obsession with Roger Maris is steadily climbing as the days go by. My new hobby to be the world's utmost living authority on Roger Maris is well on it's way. I wonder if I can make a career out of this...hmmmm. The possibilities surrounding the events of the baseball season of 1961 are endless.

YES, rockin' and rollin' is in the thick and foggy Kent air folks, stinking it up with the sweat of, well, rockers...and rollers. I'm going to get dressed up. I'm going to do my hair. I'm going to dance my pants off until I get arrested for indecent exposure. I'm going to enjoy the fruits of the Miller Brewing Company's labors. Why? Because Lords of the Highway are coming to MY TOWN and to tell you the truth, I've been BORED out of my mind lately and need to do to up ROCKER-STYLE. Not this weekend. Not tomorrow. I'm planning to be pleasant as punch (unless it becomes necessary to punch someone in the FACE) and really enjoy this musical opportunity I've been blessed with. I haven't seen a band in FOREVER and more importantly, I haven't rocked out with my street gang, the Wrath Pack (oh yeah, we have team jerseys, y'all, solidifying our cred among other street gangs) in true Wrath Pack fashion in WAY too long. Sure, only one other member may be attending (I'm trying to rustle up Switch eventhough he's not down with "rockasilly" but he IS down with getting wrecked and wrecking shit) but I'm jazzed up!!

OK, now that I'm chock full of adrenaline, I have to read the first book of the Illiad. YEEHAW!

I hanker for a hunka...a wheel or slice or chunka...I hanker for a hunka CHEESE!

4 November 2003---3:18p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Atom and His Package "A Society of People Named Elihu"

I have officially been diagnosed with a boring case of boredom. At least I know what's been plauging my mentality and physicality the past few weeks and can now remedy the situation. I was worried about Ebola. I was promised I would never get it but I was also promised that it was impossible for a football team that was down 2 touchdowns with less than 30 seconds left in the game to win. And that was a lie.

I'm making every millisecond count this weekend, even if it leads to an early and blood curdling death covered in rabies. I'm getting it, the excitement not the rabid infection, started by listening to "Happy Birthday Ralph" over and over and OVER AGAIN because it makes me wet my panst a little bit and hey, there's nothing boring about that.

"Finding Nemo" is about fish and I like it.

It's my Dad's birthday and the previously mentioned birthday song does not apply as his name is not Ralph, he is not "fucking disgusting" and he does not have a beard. Hats off, Dad!

I don't like Turbonegro and it seems as if Bam Margera likes to lick their Norwegian asses. I hope that phase ends soon. Norwegian ass licking and face make-up related to bands is out this season. Stay hip.

3 November 2003---11:34a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Distillers "Coral Fang"

I may not have been fan #1 of this movie, but I dig the Campbells. Thumbs up, Speed Freaks!

One bloody ‘Summer’ (as reproduced from the Daily Kent Stater).

Luke Campbell sits proudly in his director’s chair on a chilly Sunday evening, blood still on his shirt from shooting early that morning. Andy Campbell looms over his shoulder, making editing suggestions and various comments about the structure of the film. They each take turns slicing and dicing, formulating the perfect cut to show audiences. These are two men who are certainly in their element.

This Friday at the Kiva, the International Film Society will be premiering the Campbells’ latest feature length splatter flick, Demon Summer. While the Campbells are nervous about that day, they are more nervous about finishing the film.

“We are still in the final stages of production. We are running a little behind and it’s hard to shoot now, since it’s getting cold out and it’s especially cold when your actors are covered in blood,” said co-director Luke Campbell.

Shooting began in May and has spanned across the entire summer and into the fall. The story of Demon Summer takes place in Louisville, Ohio, a place tainted in secrets that began some twenty years ago when an unexpected evil came over the town, murdering several innocent folks. Now, a bunch of kids accidentally resurrect that evil from a book and it’s up to them to stop it from spreading again.

“It’s the perfect blend of drama, comedy and ridiculous violence … oh, and lovemaking,” joked actor Bob Hawkins, who plays the protagonist’s goofy sidekick, Kurt.

This isn’t the first film the Campbells have worked on, however. Besides founding their own production company, Speed Freak Productions, they have also made two other horror films and an extreme wrestling video.

Their first foray into the horror genre began with a thirty minute short entitled Teenage Zombie House Massacre. That film was just the beginning for them. Their next movie was a bit more daunting — last year’s feature-length cult hit Midnight Skater. Both are available on VHS through the Campbells’ Web site.

Recently a small horror film distribution company, Tempe Video, picked up the rights to the Campbell brothers’ films. Already on DVD is their extreme wrestling video, Splatter Rampage Wrestling, and soon to be released on DVD is Midnight Skater, but not before a few edits are made to tighten the story to the Campbells’ liking.

With Demon Summer, the Campbells had a much larger budget thanks to several donations from various friends who desired to be involved in the Campbells’ Kent-made independent films. Because of this budget increase (now $3,000 as opposed to $500), the Campbells were able to purchase a digital video camera and several handy props, as well as professional blood. They even spent a few hundred dollars on a special pair of contact lenses that are used by the film’s villain.

The script for Demon Summer was basically culled from several ideas that the Campbells and other cast members had.

“The writing process began last January. We started with an iiitial idea and our friends bounced off of us and then we rewrote everything. By the end, it was a totally different film than what we started with” says co-director Andy Campbell.

Along with the script, the film’s gore effects were also greatly enhanced. This time around, the Campbells’ were able to use real stage blood, instead of tomato sauce and other homemade concoctions, which provides a more realistic feel to the film, as opposed to the campy nature of their previous entries. The Campbells wanted to make a more standard horror film with Demon Summer, instead of a campy B-movie like Midnight Skater, but rest assured, the film is still full of the gore and flying organs that fans of the Campbells have grown to love.

“Blood and guts is Speed Freak Productions’ forte. There will always be lots of the red stuff with our films,” claims Luke Campbell, who is confident that his fans will be more than pleased with this entry.

3 November 2003---7:41a

All these dud weekends are certainly starting to add up on my social calendar which is getting frustrating. I can't muster up the strength to appreciate a series of duds when I'm supposed to be enjoying the leisure time of my youth.

All the sleeping I'd been missing out on due to school projects, tests, homeworks, anxiety attacks really caught up with me and I should have penciled in some time to crash and burn because it ended up happening all on it's own. Some preparation would have been nice. Friday was Halloween but it wasn't one for the books. Went to the yearly trick-or-treat festivities where Pirate and I were refered to as "emo kids" as an insult at some high-school home made haunted house. That ruffled my feathers. Damn kids. Ate some candy, saw some costumes, the basics. Followed that up with the premier of "Demon Summer" and I'll just leave that at that because, honestly, I have nothing glowing to say about it. I passed out of the couch to the soothing lull of Conan's voice. I should have seen Lords of the Highway. I miss rock-n-roll.

Saturday had brunch being followed up by hard core napping being followed by a really pointless evening out that just should have never happened. I guess it wasn't a complete waste since someone cared enough to inform me just exactly how pointless my life is since I don't do ANYTHING (and the nothing that I do was emphatically stressed just to underline the point that I must sit around here all day and do nothing). I like to periodically be informed about my station in life, you know, because I'm too dim to figure it out myself. And you know, I'm OK with being picked on and made fun of because I can give as well as I get but all of this was said in spite to purposefully be mean and make me feel bad. You could try to tell me otherwise but it would be bullshit. And I had the best possible thing to say back, probably the nastiest thought I've ever had about a human being in my short boring little life, but it would have been nothing but fucking mean as Hell but it would have been true. I'll keep it to msyelf though. Anyway, the night sucked as I didn't like the company I was in from that moment on...and because my steak sucked. DAMN YOU DAMON'S! It was a wasted Saturday.

Sunday was Sunday. Food, movies, early bed time. I won't even mentiont he hours that "The Game" took away from my life.

I've already got my dancing shoes out, ready to be polished because Lords of the Highway are playing in my town on Friday and I am going to pay homage to the beer gods and rock into the wee hours of the night because I need to make a come back and that's that. So somebody better be prepared to drive my sorry behind home after this hootenanny!! I can recover on Saturday and replenish on Sunday at Benihana with the Knife, the only person who can keep me relatively SANE!!!!!!

I can't wait to go to Killoumbus next week!! I need another heavy dose of reality coupled with fondue and drunken antics. God bless you, summer of 2001! You have warped my preception of life to such a degree that I may never again be truly satisfied.